Real Housewives of New York City: New York State of Mind

Last night I watched six skinny, slightly demented women scratch each other's eyes out and it was oddly pleasant and entertaining.

But, the show started with Ramona and her husband Mario arguing over a bag of dog do-do. Ramona and Bethenny had gone out to give Ramona's dogs a walk on the road outside of Ramona's Hamptons estate and who should drive by in his Porsche but super handsome Mario!Mario stopped to say hi to the ladies and super classy lady Ramona tries to toss the dog do-do in the Porsche for super handsome Mario to take home. The poop went back and back and forth - "Not in the Porsche!" "ARRRRRGGGHHH!" Yeah, arguing about dog poop - on the side of the road - in the Hamptons - REALLY!Later super classy Ramona takes her young daughter Avery (age 13) to a sexy custom made Italian shoe place and makes her try on sexy shoes, against her will, that make her taller than Ramona. Ramona passes out and when she awakes buys $4000 worth of shoes not noticing that Avery has run away to join a circus.

Classy Countess Luanne prepares to close down her castle in the Hamptons amid a houseful of dead animals. Her daughter accepts her fate of being sent off to boarding school (so mom can have more time to party) while mewling helplessly that she will visit mom only on weekends when there are no dances. Brother Noel is seen wandering around the Manhatten manse clearly terrified that he is now the sole object of his mother's inattention. Skeleton Kelly invites the Classy Countess Luanne over to her manse for a cooking lession by a professional chef - with her children. The Classy Countess, clearly exhausted by the journey asks Skeleton Kelly repeatedly - "Where are we???" "Where is your house???" Skeleton Kelly, with a weird gleam in her eye calmly croaks "We're downtown....very downtown!" The chef prepares chicken in lettuce leaves that everyone eats except Skeleton Kelly who has one bite and runs to the bathroom. whimpering - "I haven't eaten since 1995 - too - much - food!" Countess Luanne suddenly notices Skeleton Kelly's two small blond children and shrieks "What are those?!" before running out of the house.

Bethenny prepares to go on a hot date with a plump fellow chef by torturing herself having a drink with Classy Countess that she describes as "Discountess." The Discountess gives Bethenny all kinds of bad dating advice which she then proceeds to ignore. Bethenny's date with the plump chef goes well. He is kind to her, makes her dinner and doesn't hit on her. Of course she does not like him.

Jill and Silex are renovating their abodes. Jill returns from the Hamptons to find out that her gay decorator friend with several gay hangers-on has taken over, moved all her stuff out and is renovating her apartment without her approval. And what about this is surprising to Princess Jill???????????????

Silex slink back to their hot, sweaty, haunted hovel from their hot, sweaty vacation in St. Barth's and are astonished to the house has been remodeled into even a worse dump while they were gone. They retreat into a tiny bedroom while their forsaken children wander unattended through the detritus, wailing inconsolably. Jill comes over and is afraid of the dirty chairs. She shrieks when she sees the cramped bedroom and runs out of the house. Later she comments, snidely to the camera, "I don't think there will be any new Van Kampen young after this summer!"

Everyone goes to a big party where STING is supposed to arrive!! Hooray!!! Ramona flies in on her broom and ignores Silex, much to their joy. The Classy Countess arrives, once again, without the Count, leading many to speculate, in whispers, that she has killed him and had him stuffed. Mario continues to challenge Jill to a tennis match to the death (in retaliation for one in which Jill and Countess beat Ramona last summer)- and that he will find her a partner. In desperation Jill calls Roger Federer and he tells her he is not available - but that John McEnroe is and would like something to do besides stupid Avis commercials.

Finally, Bethenny and Alex meet at a park where they give out cupcakes to strangers. Alex tells Bethenny the sad story of how she met Simon - "I was just looking for a one night stand online - and look what happened - he's the ultimate stalker - he moved in - children appeared - I can't get rid of him! They weep, softly, and the show ends.

I can't wait for next week!